


The Tale of Edgardo

by self_loathing_and_you



Category: the ballad of edgardo
Genre: But it probably won't reference 'Minions', It probably won't even be good, Rated 'M' for Machismo, how weeby can you get, probably only gonna update whenever I'm drunk, seriously his name was actually 'miltant xero', there may be references to everything from 'They Live' to 'Minions'
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-10
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2018-05-23 04:11:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6104500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/self_loathing_and_you/pseuds/self_loathing_and_you
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The completely unabridged version after several thousand years of cultural translation, story degradation, drunken retellings and half remembered facts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introductions and humble beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> I do not have high hopes for this. cut me some slack, I'm drunk.

_Gather 'round, my children, and I'll spin you a tale._

 

_Good, good. now, which one do you want to hear?_

 

_Hmm? That one? But you've heard it so many times. It gets grating telling the same story over and over. How about a compromise. I'll tell you the story that inspired me to make my own tale known._

_This is a story dear to my heart, because it starts much like mine, with a young farm-boy with more spirit than he could contain._

 

_This is the story of Saint Edgardo the Vanquisher, His best friend Squid, and a battle against a tyrant that controlled the world._

 

* * *

 

 

It was a normal day for Edgardo, barring one important detail. Like any other day, he got up before sunrise to tend to the chickens. Then he went to feed the goats. And then he went to slop the pigs. Then he milked the cows. Then he went to water the horses. After that, he would have his first meal of the day, with a short conversation with the Help. And then he would spend the rest of the day pulling a plough through the untilled fields to prepare for planting, only taking 20 minute breaks for water every few hours.

Yes, you heard that right,  **pulling** a plough through a field. You see, though this was a pretty normal day, Edgardo was anything but normal. Like many hundreds of people, Edgardo was a Hero, a person blessed, or cursed based on your viewpoint, with unfathomable power. They were stronger by half than your common man, and could tap into the lifeforce of the world to perform feats even beyond that.

His parents were proud of him, and had promised him that on the coming of his 21st birthday, he would be allowed to leave the family farm behind. He had forgotten this promise, for it had been years since it had even been mentioned, and today was the promised day. The day he would leave to become a Hero in full, and embrace the great destiny ahead of him.

 

As he unlatched himself from the hand-crafted human-yoke, he felt a stirring in his gut that he often got when he had forgotten something. Ignoring it, trusting the Help to pick up any slack that he left, he made his way to the homestead that had been in his family for centuries.

 

As he crossed the threshold, he was blanketed in darkness. He stumbled around for a moment before the Help filled the room with light. From the people within came a deafening 'Surprise'.

Shocked that he had forgotten his own birthday in his hardworking frenzy, Edgardo laughed to himself. "You got me again" he yelled. "Seven years in a row. I should keep a journal."

 

Edgardo's father, a giant of a man (burt still not a match for his son), Laughed a booming laugh. "My son, That should be easy. Everyone chipped in for your present, even Help." He gestured towards a table with a cake and a poorly-wrapped parcel on it. "Go ahead, it's your day."

You might think they were going to eat the cake, but, in this town in the middle of a region known as 'Bumfuck Nowhere' to residents, it is customary to pummel baked goods at celebrations. Edgardo, being a Hero, can accomplish this feat with no effort. But, of course, it  **is** a cake, and therefore has no defensive capabilities. And it still stained the walls.

 

Laughing Heartily, Edgardo's father Orricks called to his son, signalling him to open his gift.

 

Edgardo was stunned. He had just been given a basic adventurer's pack, containing the bare necessities a Hero needs; A Revival Phial, an unspecified length of rope, bandages enough to embalm a dozen people and a Hero's Pass, which registers him as a true hero (though they could have used a better picture). It was almost ten minutes before he spoke again, and all he could manage was a shaky "Thanks".

 

"Think nothing of it, Son. You're this town's pride and joy. A real local hero. You deserve to be recognized as such." For a Farmer, Orricks had a pretty good grasp of the common tongue. "So, m'boy, what do you say?"

 

"Huh?" came Edgardo's brilliant and well thought out response.

 

"I promised you one day you'd get to be the Hero you're destined to be. Today's that day."

 

 

And that's how Edgardo, a simple farm-boy, took the first step to becoming the greatest hero of all time.


	2. Beginnings; The second part

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A continuation from where I left off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit, two years without an update? What have I been doing?
> 
> Nothing. I've been doing nothing.

_You want me to continue the story from last time? Did my telling stoke a fire in you? Or do you just want to see the end of it?_

 

 

 

 

_No matter. This is what happens next._

 

 

 

_Do try to keep up._

* * *

**E** dgardo, with only a short goodbye from his family and Help, had set off in the direction of the nearest city. It was the city of Darkheart, and was supposedly a city crawling with heroes. The name should have tipped him off as to quite what he'd be in for, but Edgardo is not a smart man.

 

Head held high, he trekked for a full week, at a pace that would ruin a horse and shatter a carriage, through dense forests, using the skills of remaining unseen learned from living years in a rundown farming settlement on the edge of the Influence of the Lord of the Domain to escape the notice of the Shadows. The fact that Shadows could manifest even on the edge of a Lord's Domain should have further clued him in to the company he would soon keep, but, again, he is not a smart man.

 

After seven days at a breakneck pace, that to him was but a hearty jog, he came upon the gates of Darkheart with a youthful spring in his step and a hunger for adventure in his heart. He passed all through the streets for much of the day, taking notice of the things he saw; Stalls selling packs like his to travellers of all stripes, street performers of many races (usually Beastfolk), and vendors and apothecaries selling foods and potions that make life livable.

 

The Apothecaries especially were of note, as they had potions in colours and clarities he had never seen before. Browsing through the stock, however, revealed something to the boy. Every potion he could recognize cost more here than potions from back home at the local Alchemist's shop (That he now regrets not visiting before leaving), and, indeed, cost more than five times what his family's farm was worth.

 

"What the devil?" cursed Edgardo, recoiling at the price tags. "Five hundred for a simple healing tincture? Such a price is absurd!"

 

"Indeed, what a bargain," came a raspy voice from behind him, "A better price you won't find anywhere in the city! Believe me, I've tried." An emaciated crone with a hooked nose and skin yellowed from age seemingly materialized behind him. Upon her shoulder sat a crow with white feathers.

 

"A better Price?" said Edgardo, incredulously. "Clearly you are out of your mind with age. In my home town, the Alchemist could whip up a dozen tinctures of greater worth for even a third that price." The crone just cackled.

 

"Ah, new in town I see! Not to worry, soon you'll see how things work in this place. The shopkeep doesn't make the prices, the Domain's Lord does." The crone cackled again. "Judging by your stature, you must be a Hero. There is a Tavern in the inner ring of the city where your kind congregate. I'm sure a strong fellow like yourself could make some coin from jobs on the bounty board. Look for the Seared Squid, you can't miss it." she shouted.

 

Once again, an exchange like this should have alerted Edgardo to the strangeness of this place, but he is not a smart man. The moment the crone mentioned a  Tavern, Edgardo's mind turned to thoughts of wine and mead. He was already on his way out of the Apothecary by the time he caught the name.

 

When he was out of earshot, the crow piped up "RAAAWK! Dibs on his stuff."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully we'll see the next chapter before the sun burns out.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this is chapter 1 of who-the-fuck-knows-how-many. feel free to rip this to pieces.


End file.
